Psalm 38

1 O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath!
2 For your arrows have sunk into me,
and your hand has come down on me.

3 There is no soundness in my flesh
because of your indignation;
there is no health in my bones
because of my sin.
4 For my iniquities have gone over my head;
like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me.

5 My wounds stink and fester
because of my foolishness,
6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
all the day I go about mourning.
7 For my sides are filled with burning,
and there is no soundness in my flesh.
8 I am feeble and crushed;
I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

9 O Lord, all my longing is before you;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart throbs; my strength fails me,
and the light of my eyes—it also has gone from me.
11 My friends and companions stand aloof from my plague,
and my nearest kin stand far off.

12 Those who seek my life lay their snares;
those who seek my hurt speak of ruin
and meditate treachery all day long.

13 But I am like a deaf man; I do not hear,
like a mute man who does not open his mouth.
14 I have become like a man who does not hear,
and in whose mouth are no rebukes.

15 But for you, O Lord, do I wait;
it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.
16 For I said, “Only let them not rejoice over me,
who boast against me when my foot slips!”

17 For I am ready to fall,
and my pain is ever before me.
18 I confess my iniquity;
I am sorry for my sin.
19 But my foes are vigorous, they are mighty,
and many are those who hate me wrongfully.
20 Those who render me evil for good
accuse me because I follow after good.

21 Do not forsake me, O Lord!
O my God, be not far from me!
22 Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!

Today, and really the past week I have found these words of David have been so true of my life.  So much heartache, pain, and confusion has swept over me.  My heart rejoices in the Lord's healing of my dear friend Jessica's baby brother, Josh, who was in a terrible car accident Sunday evening.  Through many many prayers and pleads to spare his life, the Lord heard our cries and saved us a tragedy.  Josh is healing quickly and miraculously. Praise Him!

The past week of my life, I have been everything short of who Christ has called me to be to those I care for.  Sin has really crept over me and darkened my attitude.  How did I let this happen?  When was I vulnerable enough to let such a thing happen?  To let something as dark as what overtook me this week have reign over me is so frustrating to me! Especially when I look back at the way I have acted!  Lord, transform my heart!  Cast out this ugly spirit within me and fill me with Your love!

Today is my 22nd birthday.  I am not excited, nor am I discouraged that I'm 22.  No, it has nothing to do with age.  Some dates we remember, but most dates we do not.  We always remember our birthdays from the year before and compare it to this one.  This year, March 31st seems like just another day.  I remember last year, it was a beautiful day and I was so excited to be turning 21.  I think if I had been turning 31 I would have been just as excited.  Maybe not. I don't know.  But 22, sorry you just aren't doing it for me.  While a birthday should be fun and a celebration, every year I am reminded of what happened on my 13th birthday.  My dad decided to get clean, and a few days later gave Christ his life. He probably wouldn't like me posting this, but he'll never find out, let's be honest.  After seeing that transformation in him, never once did I doubt that Jesus was real.  I was so thankful, and what a difference in just his face!  So why is that a bad memory?  Well, it's actually a wonderful memory.  One that I will hold onto forever.  Unfortunately, Satan somehow slipped his way back into my dad's life and has a firm grip on him now.  That's what's so hard about my birthday.  Remembering the transformation, but also the downfall.  But if there is one thing I know, it's this: God is sovereign.  Romans 8:28.  Lord, may I never forget Your abounding grace.